About Humpday

Every Wednesday at 6pm during daylight savings time, our intrepid explorers, along with any guests who can tolerate their weird conversations, head for the hills to gain about a thousand feet in elevation.

The Personalities

There are a lot of strange people in Boulder; certainly the most peculiar emerge from the woodwork to celebrate Humpday. Here are just a few of the various people you might encounter on a dark and stormy Wednesday:

Amy

Our gold standard waitress. Last we heard, Amy was in Africa studying mountain gorillas. Our loss, their gain.

Backgammon

Backgammon plays backgammon at Trident Coffee with a joie de vivre that is simultaneously frightening and awe-inspiring. If everyone could enjoy life with a tenth of her cheerful enthusiasm, the world would be a happier place indeed.

Biker Guy

Biker Guy shows up at BookEnds Cafe on a regular basis, wearing a green nylon jacket, a helmet, a rear-view mirror attached to his glasses, and of course, a bicycle. He must have a pulse in the low 40s, and cholesterol lower than that.

ColoringBook

A guy with a coloring book at the center counter at BookEnds Cafe. Dave sat next to him, and the guy glared sidelong at us. I think he was feigning childlike innocence -- the better to pick up chicks.

Consciousness

A bald guy typing something on his laptop entitled, "Achieving Full Consciousness." We figure he was struggling with a sleep disorder of some kind.

Dave

He says "five of" when he means "five til." (We think this is an eastern thing, like east of the Mississippi, east of Pittsburgh, whatever.) He also knows the elevations of every worthwhile summit in Colorado. Check out his clock page.

DBB

aka Double-Braided-Beard Guy.

InMyOpinion

Some guy who was pontificating loudly about Boulder, its customs and venues, and various other topics, to a captive audience of two, who had undoubtedly come to the BookEnds Cafe for a nice quiet cup of joe, but who unfortunately made the mistake of asking directions or something from this self-proclaimed expert. Thankfully, we haven't seen him in a while.

Megan

Megan once announced our arrival at Old Chicago on the PA system: "Steve and Dave are here. Steve and Dave have arrived." When she turned 21, Megan got utterly wasted and was never heard from again.

Renee

Who can forget her sing-song greeting of "Hi Guys" as we entered the coffee shop?

Seeked

Two college girls working on a paper were trying to determine the past tense of the word seek. They guessed seeked and glanced at each other with befuddled expressions. We spoke up and provided the correct answer, thus salvaging their semester.

Snowflake

Two college girls walking on campus near the Physics buildings, amid a light flurry of large, wet snowflakes. One said to the other, "If you sniff a snowflake, it's like you're getting high."

Steve

He says "five til" when he means "five of," which is probably a midwest thing. He also maintains this website - that's weird enough, isn't it?

The 15-Minute Rule

We have established that fifteen minutes is the maximum time we will wait for a table at any restaurant. If the host[ess] indicates anything more than 15 minutes, we leave immediately, without apology or regret.

Boulderites claim their town has more restaurants per capita than any other city in the country, yadda yadda. Therefore, no one should ever wait more than 15 minutes for a table in Boulder on Wednesday night. It should be a law.

Old Chicago

One evening we arrived on the mall, hungry and tired from the evening's exertions. We opted for beer and a Chicago-7 pizza at Old Chicago, but when we arrived, the host[ess] ignored us. In the restaurant beyond, several empty tables beckoned gleamingly to be occupied. And yet they were not.

When we inquired as to the delay, the aforementioned host[ess] replied that the kitchen was too busy, and they weren't able to keep up with the orders. We asked whether we could get a table and have a beer while we waited, but we were denied this request.

Old Chicago Restaurant was in flagrant violation of our 15-Minute Rule. So we walked out. And we shall never return.

Note to all you aspiring restaurateurs: at least give your customers a beer.

[See Also: Dave's Letter to Old Chicago]

The Haiku Years

At some point in the past, we tried writing humpday haikus. This was rather short-lived. Here's a sample:

From: Steve 28-FEB-1996 19:46:23.09
To: Dave
Subj: Re: AMY

> Begin at seven
> Amy, a beer, some pizza
> Our slice of heaven

Coffee afterwards,
Renee invading the john:
Why else would we go?
S

I'm sure you can understand why we abandoned this format.

Back to The Email

The Email

Sometime during the day on Wednesday, an email exchange will occur to confirm the commencement of the evening's Hump:

From: Steve
To: Dave
Subject: amy

Ash @ 6p?

To which the reply:

From: Dave
To: Steve
Subject: RE: amy

6p Ash ok

Anyone can initiate this exchange. The content varies, but it's always concise and cryptic. We like it that way.

[See Also: The Haiku Years]

The Procedure

Every Wednesday at 6pm during daylight savings time, Steve and Dave, along with any guests who can tolerate our weird conversations, head for the hills to gain about a thousand feet in elevation. On the way up, we complain about work.

Upon reaching the summit, Dave announces the day's stockmarket numbers, and we head back down to the city. Usually, we talk about vacations, equipment, retirement, or which restaurant to raid that evening.

Then, we load into the car and proceed to the aforementioned grub. (This part of the Hump is known variously as "foraging" or "the evening's festivities.") We alternately perform the great handwash, and then we chow down.

Amy

At some point during the evening we inevitably compare the waiter with our gold standard, Amy. Amy worked at Old Chicago a long time ago, but has since gone on to bigger and better things. And we don't even go to Old Chicago anymore.

Fiction?

Humpday guests often nod reverently - or nod off - at this point, but the evening is far from over. Next we trek to the nearest bookstore, to locate and identify misclassified non-fiction books. For example, we might find a memoire about telepathic aliens, such as the Pleiadians, classified as non-fiction. So we [pretend to] put the book where it belongs: in the Fiction section. Along the way we search for strange coincidental links between titles and cover art that might suggest cosmic significance, a shift in the literary zeitgeist, or some other mind-bending paroxysm.

We consider it a public service to re-shelve the offending books to their rightful place, and I'm quite sure that the books, not to mention their authors and publishers, appreciate our heartfelt efforts in this noble weekly endeavor.

Fiction books, it should be noted, happily announce themselves via cover annotation: A Novel. Therefore we must conclude that the authors of fiction are more honest in their efforts than the perpetrators of misclassified non-fiction.

Coffee

Finally we reach the evening's denouement: a cup of coffee, and sometimes dessert if we still detect more than a milliliter of unfilled space in our digestive tracts.

Winter

During the long, dark winter, we skip the hike and fatten up for the following summer.

3rd Flatiron: About

Park at Chautauqua, proceed through the meadow up the Bluebell Baird trail and branch uphill to the base of the third flatiron. Continue on the return route to join the Royal Arch trail descending back to Bluebell Shelter.

2005 Schedule

4/06 NCAR - Conor O'Neill's
4/13 Bluebell Shelter - Rhumba
4/20 Bluebell Shelter - Tom's Tavern
4/27 Sanitas Valley - Conor O'Neill's / Tea Spot

5/04 Rattlesnake Gulch - Tandoori
5/11 Green Mtn West Ridge - Pasta Jay's / Trident
5/18 Mallory Cave - Tandoori
5/25 Royal Arch - Juanitas

6/01 Boy Scout Trail - Jax / Trident
6/08 Mt Sanitas South - Hungry Toad
6/12 Topaz Mountain - China Village
6/15 Ranger Trail - West End Tavern
6/22 Mt Sanitas East - Walnut Brewery / Amante
6/29 Saddle Rock - Juanitas

7/06 -
7/13 Bear Saddle - Conor's
7/20 1st Flatiron - Rhumba
7/27 Kohler Trail - Sports Bar

8/03 Greenman Trail
8/10 Mt Sanitas East
8/17 Bluebell Shelter
8/24 Boy Scout Trail - West End
8/31 Ranger Trail - Juanita's

9/07 Royal Arch - Chili's
9/14 Rattlesnake Gulch
9/21 Mallory Cave
9/28 Amphitheatre

10/05 Green Mtn West Ridge
10/12 Sanitas Valley - Foolish Craig's
10/19 Bluebell Shelter - Sports Bar
10/26 NCAR

red=Sunday

Dave's Letter to Old Chicago

                                                       July 25, 2002

Dear Madam or Sir:

Last night a friend and I decided to have dinner at the Old Chicago
restaurant in Boulder.  We arrived at 8:15.  The receptionist told us
there would be about a five minute wait.  We noticed that there were
at least four unoccupied tables.  After waiting and watching the
confusion at the reception desk for about ten minutes, I suggested to
the receptionist that we could sit at any one of those empty tables.
Her somewhat curt reply was that the kitchen was busy and we would
just have to wait.

It seems to me that it would be beneficial to both restaurant and
patron alike, that when tables are available, people are seated, given
a menu, and offered a drink.  The dinner order could be taken in due
time.  If there is a delay in filling the order, most diners would be
understanding, given an explanation.  Making people wait by the front
door while tables are available is not a good plan.  We walked across
the street to another place which has a better policy: "Hi, have a
seat, I'll be right with you".

                                        Sincerely,


                                        Dave